I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
