I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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