so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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