I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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