so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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