i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
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