Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
