i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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