and my herpes radar will keep us safe
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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