you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
