My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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