i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
