I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
