Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
