JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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