My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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