Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
