my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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