it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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