The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
dude. I can hear the air.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
