My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
