Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
