I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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