Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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