when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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