Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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