just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
