when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
my phone needs a breathalizer
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
