i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
