My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
