the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
