I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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