I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize