the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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