I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
