Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
