no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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