I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
