I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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