Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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