a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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