she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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