My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
