Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
