I accidentally burped into my bong.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
