he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
