I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
