Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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