Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
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