I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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