just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
where does the pee come out of this thing
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
