I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I enjoy the company of your penis
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
