i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize