It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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