I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
