found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
