i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
