dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i've created a new STD.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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